DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE
|Photo of a hoof-like toenail alleged to be Dick Cheney's|
JACKSON, WY -- The Cheney family still hasn't delivered an official statement, held a press conference, or even tweeted about their experience with one of the most gruesome and shocking occurrences that has ever happened to a prominent politician. For those who have been keeping up with the story, they know former vice president Dick Cheney was showing symptoms of a barnyard animal last week. Today, new evidence -- a hardened, hoof-like toenail -- provides further proof of Mr Cheney's rapid decline. Or transformation.
His condition hasn't improved any. Last Monday, early morning, rumors broke out of Jackson that Mr Cheney had been caught, by his wife Lynne, groveling in the mud and rubbing his genitals over the grass. The details seemed so embellished they were largely ignored by the mainstream media. "For ABC or NBC to even describe the symptoms the former VP was showing would have been to globally castrate his image," a source close to the family said this weekend.
Later Monday afternoon, Cheney's primary doctor, Grangum, held an intimate press conference. The ashamed doctor explained the horrible event that prompted the medical team to use a pig's heart instead of the set aside donor's heart that was ready to be implanted into the former VP's chest. "Eighty-seven out of one hundred times, a human organ could be replaced by a pig's and no problems would ensue. There are those rare, let me stress, very rare, times that the inhabitant of the new organ, exhibits behaviors of the organ's host creature. We think this is the problem," the doctor had said.
This morning a photo leaked online claiming to be Dick Cheney's hardened, yellowed toenail. The beginnings of a hoof, conspiracy theorists said. Veterinarians and expert, prize-pig raisers admit the photo shows what looks to be the start of a real pig hoof. "The blackened area of the nail suggest some kind of recent trauma," veterinarian Valerie Vanderholder told reporters. "But the thickness and the creamy, opaque yellowed quality of the specimen very much resembles a chunk of a pig's hoof."
Skeptics have pointed to the nail's beveled edge as a sign of a fake. "People are always looking to make a splash in the media world. Everybody wants their two minutes of fame," a cynical man named Malvin Winsome said. He runs a little-known blog called, What the Fuck Do You Know? Probably Not As Much As I Do. "That toenail's an impostor, hands down."
The source close to the family confirmed online that the nail truly did belong to the former VP, and that its smooth, shapely end is a product of "Mrs Cheney's undying, unwithering support for her husband during this extremely awkward and trying time."
The source admitted he'd seen Mrs Cheney frantically filing her husband's hardening toenails. "We all noticed they were growing faster and getting thicker. Nobody thought to call them hooves. But that's how cynical the online world is. Somehow the photo got leaked, and now everybody's making a mockery of Mr Cheney's ill condition."
It is assumed by those who have been following this story that the Cheney's are holed up in their Jackson compound. Nobody has seen them leave, but early reports suggested prominent teams of psychologists, doctors, and Secret Service members swarming the family's residence.
This story, as always, is still developing....
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE
Dick Cheney's doctor admits pig's heart was used instead of human donor's
The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA's editors and administrators never dare question what it produces."Like" Dear Dirty America on Facebook